We’ve had a crazy couple of weeks and I wanted to give you a little update on the previous “growing our family” post.
After learning our adoption agency can’t work with us in NJ, we decided we would start commuting back and forth to my parents in PA (a state our agency does work with) to complete the process . We signed L up for preschool there.
Toward the end of the summer, we were starting to stress about our plan and wanted to keep our family together in NJ. We kept the option open of getting pregnant as a possible alternative (knowing it was extremely unlikely).
The day before we planned to leave to get PA licenses and other details taken care of, I found out I was pregnant!
I was in shock, as you can imagine… after trying for a few years, it happened during a very short window, in a month where I’ve been averaging 40-50 miles a week?
So I cut back and ran by feel. I changed my Philly marathon entry down to the half. This is also the reason that I didn’t “race” my 5k all out last week.
I was a little bummed to miss out on the Philly marathon initially, but thrilled about this surprise, and I knew it’s what I really wanted right now.
Unfortunately, I found out last week that I had miscarried. Apparently it happened pretty early on- although the bleeding didn’t start until last week.
So our emotions have been all over the map these few weeks!
We were relieved to cancel our commuting plans and registered L for a preschool here at the last minute. We both feel like that was the right decision but now we’re back at square one as we’ve closed the door on the PA plan. We have a lot of decisions to make, but for now we’re just going to sit with it for a bit.
After my initial few days of grieving, I feel surprisingly okay. I know what is meant to be, will be. I am sad that this baby won’t be joining our family in April, but I can’t change it.
I am thankful for what I DO have. And if this is my family, I can be okay with that. We will continue to attempt to add to it in some way, but I don’t want to be living in the “if only” realm.
I’m back to marathon training- that’s one thing that has carried me through this whole month! Training makes me happy and has also been my therapy in recent weeks. Thank goodness for the power of a good cry, prayers and a run!
If your heart is hurting too, take heart, because we will run it out, sweat it out, breathe it out, and work it out. We will ache until it’s time to stop aching, pine until the time for pining is past, learn whatever lessons were ours to learn and release the ones meant for other people. We will label our heartache as a growing pain, and grow up and through the cracks, blooming gloriously on the other side.
I’ve always been open about our journey, and I know many of you have been where I am. I appreciate the support so many of you have shown us through this whole process.
How do you handle life when it doesn’t make sense? Have you felt the therapeutic affects of a good run?