About that “I” word…

Do you remember the 2012 goals post I wrote back in December? In the final paragraphs, I casually added that I hoped this would be either a year of another marathon or a baby. I feel like it’s time to elaborate on that.

First of all, I’m not pregnant. I’ve hinted before that we had some trouble getting pregnant, and a few weeks ago, I was moved by Sarah’s post and Jen’s post regarding National Infertility week.  The theme of the week? Don’t ignore infertility.

That struck me hard, because it captured exactly how I felt when we were trying to get pregnant with L- it drove me crazy that no one was talking about it, and I made it a point to share with my family and friends because I needed their support.  In the process, I came across many similar stories and was greatly encouraged by other moms who had also struggled, and had built their family in one way or another.

Those two posts helped me to realize that I have been ignoring it this time around.  No, I’m not “infertile” in the absolute sense that I cannot have children.  We feel incredibly blessed to have our spunky 2 year old! But I have experienced infertility in the sense of its emotional toll: fear, uncertainty, depression, impatience, frustration… the list goes on. And now it’s been about a year that we’ve been ready for another child.

While the second time around has been made a tiny bit easier by the distraction of caring for L, as time goes on, I’m finding some of those same emotions resurfacing.

The good news is, we can’t NOT have kids.  I trust that we will get pregnant again.  My diagnosis has always been vague (polycystic-like ovaries but not necessarily PCOS) and what helped us get pregnant was also unclear, although months of acupuncture and herbs finally seemed to do the trick.

This time around, my cycles have been textbook material and we’ve heard it can be easier the second time around, so we haven’t been nearly as proactive with seeking treatment.  But I finally decided it’s time to try something, and started acupuncture two weeks ago with herbs and tea brewed from these intriguing herbs:

In terms of running, my activity level did not interfere with our first pregnancy (I even ran a 10 mile race when pregnant before I knew it) and I’ve been encouraged to continue what I’m doing, but I also believe this is not the time to train for a marathon.  Hopefully next year.  🙂

So, this is where I’m at right now, and why my races are last minute month-to-month, and why I can’t plan very far into the future.  As a person of faith, I have confidence that God will guide us, and whether it’s natural childbirth or through adoption, we feel called to love and raise another child. I do feel hopeful that acupuncture will help, although I know it can take many months, so I’m settling in for the ride and doing my best to embrace the unknown.

75 thoughts on “About that “I” word…

  1. Such a moving post. I think it is great that you are taking it month by month as that is exactly what I would do. It took just under two years before I was pregnant with my first and then just 3 months for my second. We will never understand God’s plan but we should trust it. Good luck, my friend.
    Nicole@RunningWhileMommy recently posted..Wow, What a Weekend!My Profile

  2. I agree with Nicole:) Trust God’s plan. You will definitely have another child, even though it is hard to be patient. Prayers for you and your family:)
    hikermom recently posted..Free Rant FridayMy Profile

  3. Thank you for sharing this. This was a really great emotional post. I will keep you in my thoughts and know that you will get your little baby in due time. I love how positive you are remaining. Hugs to you Laura.
    Robin recently posted..I am Strong for MeMy Profile

  4. Thanks for sharing. This is such a personal, difficult subject. One of the awesome things about the Internet is that it can garner information, experience and support — which is so great for experiences like this. Keep us updated.
    Amanda K. recently posted..Nine monthsMy Profile

  5. Laura, i am moved after reading these lines. i admire you for finding words to express what so many experience. i know these feelings, too and have quite a number of friends/godparents of our kids who go through the regular hopes and disappointment of ‘the pregnancy yes or no date’! together with my friends you are now included in my prayers. Be blessed! maya

    • Yes- I agree! I was helped by so many others going through similar things, and I’ve been happy to help others along the way, too. I certainly learned a lot in the process the first time, and grew a lot emotionally.
      Laura recently posted..About that “I” word…My Profile

  6. I think this is pretty common. I’ve watched a lot of my friends struggle with trouble getting pregnant and my heart goes out them. It’s an emotional roller coaster and something you can’t discuss with everyone. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this but it sounds like you are “dealing”. I hope things turn in your favor soon!
    Clea recently posted..My latest obsession…My Profile

    • Thanks, Clea! Yes- I’ve been amazed how common it is, too. I have a number of friends here going through the same thing, which somehow does help make it a little easier. The first time around, I felt like I was the only one, and everyone else was getting pregnant! We’ll see what happens… I appreciate your sweet words!
      Laura recently posted..About that “I” word…My Profile

  7. Thanks for sharing and I hope and pray you are able to get pregnant. I have struggled for 3-4 years with multiple pregnancies but all end in miscarriage. We are still hopeful that the Lord will bless us with a child someday. I’ve actually been seeing a naturopath doctor who discovered my hormone levels were not where they should be to even sustain a pregnancy. So after months of working with the Dr. and getting my levels right we are hoping it will help!
    Andrea Merrigan recently posted..Fitness Friday 4.27.12My Profile

    • Oh wow, Andrea, 3-4 years?! I’ve never had a miscarriage… just can’t imagine. I am just amazed at the way hope can sustain us… so glad to hear you’re making some progress with hormones, I really hope it makes a difference for you!
      Laura recently posted..About that “I” word…My Profile

    • Thank you, Beth! I’ve been thinking of you a lot, too! As hard as it is, I honestly think it was worse the first time around… I’m much more distracted these days. Hope you get some good news soon! 🙂
      Laura recently posted..About that “I” word…My Profile

  8. I really hope your Chinese fertility tea tastes better than mine did. I’m sorry to hear you are going through this again. We are probably in the same boat if we decide to go for number 2 and it’s so stressful to think of going through all of that again. I hope the tea and acupuncture work for you soon!
    Sarah S recently posted..A cheetah and a dog?My Profile

    • Ha! Yes, the first few days I was kind of gagging it down, but I must have gotten used to it… it’s not so bad anymore. I hope the 2nd time around is different for you, but I’d try not to think about it until you get to that point. 🙂
      Laura recently posted..About that “I” word…My Profile

  9. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It must be very emotionally difficult to battle this. But, I think having faith in a higher plan is a good thing. I agree with you on taking things month to month. As much as I wanted to train for a spring/fall marathon, I wanted to focus on getting pregnant too. Best of luck to you with this and your running.
    stephanie recently posted..What Happened to my Running?My Profile

    • Thanks, Stephanie! Yes- it seems silly sometimes to even bring the running plans into it, but it is all connected… running keeps me sane, but I don’t want to push it and risk my chances of pregnancy, either!
      Laura recently posted..About that “I” word…My Profile

  10. Infertility is not an easy journey, my heart aches for you, but I also know that you are incredibly strong and have an amazing attitude. I have heard of many success stories through alternative methods. Sending many prayers of fertility, strength and courage your way. xoxo
    Lisa @ RunWiki recently posted..When Life is no Fun…go for runMy Profile

    • Thanks, Natalie! Yes- I don’t think many people knew about it, and I don’t want to turn this into a trying-to-get-pregnant blog, but it’s also not something I’m trying to hide. Feels good to get it off my chest! 🙂
      Laura recently posted..About that “I” word…My Profile

  11. I got chills in the last couple of paragraphs in this post. This is a great post and I appreciate you sharing your current situation with us. Best wishes to you guys in your journey.
    Corey recently posted..You Did What?!My Profile

    • Thanks so much, Corey! I was back and forth about sharing it- it’s not exactly running-related, but my life is obviously about more than health and fitness. 🙂 I appreciate your support!
      Laura recently posted..About that “I” word…My Profile

    • Thank you, Tia! It’s so true! Those months can stretch on and on, especially that dreaded two week wait… thankfully, with L in the picture, it’s been a different experience, but still challenging.
      Laura recently posted..About that “I” word…My Profile

  12. Aww, Laura I feel for you. I know its hard wanting to have another baby and not having it happen when you think it would but God has perfect timing and He will bless you with a bundle of joy 🙂 just trust Him and His plan.
    Jeremiah 29:11 NASB-For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD , ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.
    I will be praying for you and for the peace of God to surround you and still your anxieties and fears. Thanks for being open and sharing your heart, its tough to stick yourself out there but I hope we can help support you during this time of great expectancy 🙂
    Kris recently posted..Quick Note: 5k instead of Half?My Profile

    • Thank you, Jerilee! I am hopeful that it will happen in time… I just wish I knew when that was gonna be. 🙂 Yes- I am blown away by how supportive the running community can be!
      Laura recently posted..About that “I” word…My Profile

  13. Thank you for sharing your story Laura!! You are amazing 🙂

    I can’t relate because I don’t have the desire to have kids right now, and we aren’t exactly sure if we ever will, but I definitely feel for those who struggle conceiving. I know that great things will happen for you! 🙂
    Jamie @ couchtoironwoman recently posted..Spring Classic Duathlon Race RecapMy Profile

  14. I can totally relate to what you posted. Having it not ‘happen’ and not knowing why is especially difficult. We lived with this for many years before being successful. You know in your heart you will be successful. It will be so!
    Marcia recently posted..Race Report: GOTR 5kMy Profile

    • Thank you, Marcia! I’m sorry you went through this, too! It is amazing how challenging the wait can be- especially when you like control (like me!) I think you’re right, it will happen in time. Wish a little bird could tell me when that would be… 🙂
      Laura recently posted..About that “I” word…My Profile

  15. Such a strong woman. Prayers of support for the three of you. I know that patience is not always rewarded in this world, but I hope that the reserves you built up in your first wait will sustain you in your second. Many thanks for sharing your struggle in walking the line between being patient and being proactive at every step of the way.

    • Thank you, Erin! It’s interesting to think about the ‘reserves’ of patience- I do think I am more patient this time around… and have hopefully grown in that area. I’m hanging in there for now!
      Laura recently posted..About that “I” word…My Profile

  16. Hi Laura–I do not know why, but I just realized today that my email alerts for your posts stopped at some point. Hopefully I can get them going again…..

    Getting pregnant is its own journey! You will get there. It sounds like you know where your priorities are and that’s a big step.
    Terzah recently posted..JugglingMy Profile

    • Oh, that’s odd! I just checked, and it looks like you’re set up again, so hopefully it continues to work. 🙂 Thanks for your support- it is definitely a journey! I feel like I can be strong for a while… I hope it my ability to remain patient and positive lasts as long as it needs to!
      Laura recently posted..About that “I” word…My Profile

  17. So glad you are not ignoring this! I walked that road with Jen when she was trying to get pregnant with W. and I hated that there was nothing I could do for her but pray, so I offer you the same, I will be praying for you and your family!
    Heather recently posted..20 Years of the Mickey marathonMy Profile

    • It is often ignored, and I found it was much more painful the first time around when I was quiet, and got easier the more I let people in. Thanks so much for your prayers and sweet words!
      Laura recently posted..About that “I” word…My Profile

  18. Thank you for sharing, Laura. It can so hard to talk about things like this, but I think it really helps. I admire your honesty, and I hope that your journey gets to that happy place sooner rather than later : )
    Michelle recently posted..Goals, Goals, and More GoalsMy Profile

    • I know some people prefer to remain more private with these issues, but it has definitely been helpful for me to be open about it both times. And thank you- I hope it’s sooner than later, too. 🙂
      Laura recently posted..About that “I” word…My Profile

  19. Best wishes to you and your family, Laura! You are such a great mom, and you have the best attitude about all of this. You are really inspirational. I know that things will go the way they are meant to be; in the meantime, know that you are in my thoughts and that you will get the support you need.
    Runner26 recently posted..#failMy Profile

    • Thank you, Jill! Pregnancy is definitely a gift- one of the benefits of the whole trial the first time was how much I savored and enjoyed being pregnant! I’m always amazed how many other women experience it, that has helped a lot in the process, knowing I’m not alone.
      Laura recently posted..About that “I” word…My Profile

  20. This is a great post Laura, it just amazes me how many women go through issues with fertiity. When it is you in the midst of it, it feels like you are alone and surrounded by pregnant women everywhere. Having dealt with unkown infertility and like you polycystic ovaries (but not full PCOS) it was frustrating. I rarely talked it about it as we went through it, but am now very open. I think in part this past experience has made me a little scared about even trying for #2. It is such a mental game!
    Jen recently posted..Why do weekends go by so fast?My Profile

    • It really is a tough mental game… there are days that I can be patient and go with the flow, and days that I am going crazy! I didn’t realize we have pretty much the exact same issues! I definitely understand not being ready to think about it. Honestly, we started a year ago because we assumed it would take awhile and weren’t totally ready yet. Now that we are, it’s getting harder… but being open about it really helps (for me!)
      Laura recently posted..About that “I” word…My Profile

  21. I know how you feel. We had to wait over a year for 2 of our kids and it was frustrating. I felt like I lived in 2 week cycles. Ovulating and waiting to see if I was pregnant. I had almost given up with our last one and was really shocked when I found out I was pregnant. It’s such a great time of life. Marathons will always be there.
    Jen recently posted..Ogden Marathon 2012- #8My Profile

    • Oh, wow- over a year twice is no fun… and yes, that 2 week wait is the worst! Thank you for the perspective- this is a great time of life… and marathons will always be there. I think blogging and reading blogs makes me think I should be signing up for my next marathon too, but there’s no rush. 🙂
      Laura recently posted..About that “I” word…My Profile

  22. It must be frustrating for you, but I hope everything works out the way you want it. I am glad you seem to be pretty positive and upbeat about the whole thing, even as you are being realistic about it. I think that adoption, if need be, is a great option!
    Travel Spot recently posted..Tuesday TrainingMy Profile

    • Thanks, Kyria! Yes- I’ve always been interested in adoption, so in some ways, I feel like maybe that’s what this is guiding us toward… but we want to feel like we gave it a fight, and I really would love to have another baby… I enjoyed the whole pregnancy process. So we’ll see! In the meantime, I’ll live vicariously through your marathon training!
      Laura recently posted..About that “I” word…My Profile

  23. You are so strong and brave, Laura. What great courage it took to write this. It took us over a year of trying to have a baby and I remember all those frustrations you have and that it’s not something you feel terribly comfortable talking about. I know your words made many feel better and like they have a friend in this.

    • Oh, I had no idea it took you a year as well! Yes- it took me awhile to get more comfortable talking about it, but it’s been so helpful to connect with others. Thanks for your encouragement!
      Laura recently posted..About that “I” word…My Profile

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